Writer. Comedian. Husband. Father.

Almost Died Today

I almost died today, y’all.

You know how in relationships you play fight with bae? A little knee to back-knee action while walking, pinch the fatty part of their bicep, or a pluck to their ear – no harm no foul, right?

Well, my wife and I were in Target looking for shoes for the girls (read: my wife wanted to go to Target). We were in there for about 90 min. with three-quarters of the shopping cart filled, and she hadn’t even entered the shoe section. I was starting to get antsy.

At one point she was perusing the shirts section for the girls, and I saw her bend over to look at some items. Being the type of nigga I am, I was like “perfect” and saw this as serendipitous opportunity for a light kick to her behind. So, I got in my pseudo Kung-Fu stance, and squared off for a swift (but gentle) ass kick.

Now, in marriage counseling I learned that while in private this activity is playful and flirty, in public it’s obnoxious fuckboi shit.

So, I decided not to kick my wife even though her positioning and my timing were immaculate. Placing my foot back down on the floor where it belongs, I started to walk back to the shopping cart sitting idle in the aisle where I’d left it. Only to see whom I thought was my wife stand back up from her appraisal of the shirt selection…but, it was a whole ass older other Black woman whose callipygian derriere I was about to kick – playfully – but nevertheless my foot would’ve touched her butt.

Y’all! A. Nigga. Almost. Died. Today.

Praise God for marriage counseling and growth.


I Love Black People

I love Black people who:

– went to HBCUs

– have passports

– live in other countries

– own homes

– love their families

– get money

– save money

– build businesses

– share wealth

– use manners

– clapback

– dance freely

– exercise

– cuss

– pray

– have extravagant weddings

– raise wonderful kids

– cook

– read books

– swim

– hike

– create art

– appreciate art

– give talks

– lead organizations

– speak several languages

– cry laughing

– write frequently

– visit friends

– give hugs

– take care of people in need

– study their ancestry

– fix things themselves

– conquer fears

– seek mental health therapy

– spread knowledge

– are flawlessly dressed

– rock their natural

– learn new things

– listen actively

– protect their communities

– love God

– fight injustice

– advocate for what’s right

– love being Black

– abhor ignorance

– have extensive vocabularies

– use coconut oil, shea butter, argan oil, cocoa butter

– smoke weed

– eat vegan meals

– grill meats

– sip responsibly

– tip in excess

– have rich conversations

– vote

– write legislation

– practice civic engagement

– seek truth

– celebrate one another’s accomplishments

– ask for help

– hire help

– play team sports

– touch their toes

– fly planes

– steer ships

– scuba dive

– write books

– teach classes

– check privilege

– collaborate

– make history

– sex liberally

– breathe deep

– meditate

– sing richly

– make babies

– adopt, foster, co-parent

– uphold tradition

– respect rituals

– break form

– overcome expectations

– set records

– make music

– live unapologetically

– apologize genuinely

– ask for forgiveness

– live proud

– stay humble

– take ownership

– accept responsibility

– throw shade

– play spades, tonk, whist, bones

– surf

– make discoveries

– respect science

– patent inventions

– wear glasses

– create brands

– sit on the porch

– flip in the front yard

– skate in the park

– climb trees

– star gaze

– go to space

– stay they ass at home

– etc.