Writer. Comedian. Husband. Father.

Almost Died Today

I almost died today, y’all.

You know how in relationships you play fight with bae? A little knee to back-knee action while walking, pinch the fatty part of their bicep, or a pluck to their ear – no harm no foul, right?

Well, my wife and I were in Target looking for shoes for the girls (read: my wife wanted to go to Target). We were in there for about 90 min. with three-quarters of the shopping cart filled, and she hadn’t even entered the shoe section. I was starting to get antsy.

At one point she was perusing the shirts section for the girls, and I saw her bend over to look at some items. Being the type of nigga I am, I was like “perfect” and saw this as serendipitous opportunity for a light kick to her behind. So, I got in my pseudo Kung-Fu stance, and squared off for a swift (but gentle) ass kick.

Now, in marriage counseling I learned that while in private this activity is playful and flirty, in public it’s obnoxious fuckboi shit.

So, I decided not to kick my wife even though her positioning and my timing were immaculate. Placing my foot back down on the floor where it belongs, I started to walk back to the shopping cart sitting idle in the aisle where I’d left it. Only to see whom I thought was my wife stand back up from her appraisal of the shirt selection…but, it was a whole ass older other Black woman whose callipygian derriere I was about to kick – playfully – but nevertheless my foot would’ve touched her butt.

Y’all! A. Nigga. Almost. Died. Today.

Praise God for marriage counseling and growth.


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